Most victims face people doubting their experience. The default in our society is to assume that victims are lying. But statistics have shown that the number of false accusations tend to be extremely minor. Having doubt cast on your experience ontop of already having been through such a traumatic experience can be incredibly painful for survivors. Please don’t assume that someone who discloses they’ve been sexually assaulted is lying or cast doubts on the credibility of what they’re saying, as that can be extremely re-traumatizing.
A basic guide to supporting
survivors of sexual assault
Why is this guide necessary?
This guide is necessary because not only is sexual assault very common in our society, the ways that we respond to survivors of sexual assault are almost always not okay. We often blame them, are insensitive towards them, and say and do many other things that cause even more pain to people who have already been through something extremely traumatic and difficult.
How we respond to survivors is important. It makes a huge difference to their recovery, to their ability to rebuild a sense of safety after the traumatic event. A good support network is helpful as they work to find healing.
If we continue to keep saying and doing things to survivors of sexual assault that are not okay, we are going to continue to harm survivors. When we respond in ways that are not okay, it may increase the chances of a survivor turning to 'unhealthy' ways of coping or coping mechanisms that can be harmful.
For the mental and emotional wellbeing of survivors, it is important that we stop responding in ways that are not okay. This guide is for adult survivors of sexual assault only.
Don’t blame them for it or tell them what they should have done differently
Do not ever blame a survivor or tell them what they should have done differently to “avoid” being sexually assaulted. Despite your intentions, this can lead to guilt, shame and self-blame for what took place. It can make the survivor feel they had a role to play in being assaulted. This includes telling them they shouldn’t have been out so late or walking alone, or in someone else’s room alone, or dressed a certain way, or drinking, or absolutely anything else that implies they had a part to play in their assault. Sexual assault is never the victim’s fault and we need to be careful that we don’t put any blame on the survivor. It is always solely the fault of the perpetrator.
Don’t “try to see it” from the attacker’s perspective
This is not the time to play devil’s advocate. Don’t try to give the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt of trying to “understand” it from their point-of-view: this includes “maybe they thought you consented”, “maybe they didn’t hear you”, “maybe they didn’t really mean to do it”, etc. Whatever their perpetrator was thinking does not lessen the impact of what happened to them.
Don’t force them to get support
Counselling and therapy can be beneficial for many survivors, but we should not force someone into either. It needs to be their decision. Remember that survivors of sexual assault have already had their autonomy stripped from them: you can support them, share resources with them, describe why you think it would be helpful for them to go, but ultimately they need to be the ones to retain autonomy in their decision.
Don’t force them to report it
Support their decision if they choose not to report it. Reporting can be a very re-traumatizing process. Officers can be very insensitive, and can blame victims, or doubt they’re telling the truth, and the justice system is often on the side of the perpetrators. For many survivors, reporting can be almost as traumatic as the incident itself– or even just as traumatic. If they choose not to report, respect their decision.
Don’t force them to tell you more than they’ve disclosed
Don’t ask for extra details and information for the sake of curiosity; don’t probe for further information. Let them decide what they’re comfortable with telling you.
Don’t just shrug it off, dismiss it or treat it as unimportant
Sexual assault, no matter what form or type, is always serious. We should always take it seriously. If someone discloses that they were the victim of sexual assault, we should not treat it as something small that they can just get over. This does not mean that we should panic, but that we recognize and treat it as something very significant. Shrugging it off, ignoring it or treating it as unimportant can be very hurtful to someone who discloses.
Don’t expect them to recover on your timeline
There is no set timeline for recovering from trauma, and different people recover at different rates. Don’t expect them to be recovered by a certain time or force them to do things that they’re not comfortable with yet. Do not shame them for not ‘getting better’ by a certain date that you believe they should be recovered by. Healing is not linear and is dependent on multiple factors.
Don't make it about you and your feelings.
Hearing someone has been sexually assaulted can be a very difficult thing to hear, but don’t make their telling you what happened be about you or your feelings. Don’t centre yourself in the conversation and expect them to support you while you process it.
Don't compare their situation to anyone else's to show that ``it could have been worse``
Never compare what they’ve been through to another situation to show it could have been “worse”, even if it’s an attempt to make them feel better. It invalidates what they’ve been through and makes it seem as though it’s not that serious. What they’ve been through is serious enough.
Don't touch them without their consent
A hug or any other kind of physical touch may be your way of showing support, but make sure you have their consent to touch them first.
What you can do
Do show compassion and kindness.
Do make sure they know that you care.
Do remind them that it isn’t their fault.
Do ask them how you can help or support them.
Do remind them that you’re here for them.
Do actively listen without judgment.
If you’re able to, if it’s something that you can offer, do offer to go with them to get help or to report it if they want to.
Do respect their triggers. What are triggers?
Do consider if they have any immediate medical needs.
Do share resources that you find that can help. Here are a few.
Do continue to check in on them, so that they know you still care.
Do encourage them to take care of themselves.
Specific things you can say
“I’m so sorry that that happened”.
“I’m here for you”.
“I think it was really brave of you to tell me”.
“You are not alone in this. I'm here to support you.”
“I really appreciate the courage it took to tell me”.
Specific things that are not okay to say
“That happened a long time-- that still bothering you?”
“It happened because you were drinking / dressed like that”.
“You sure you didn’t do anything to make them think you wanted it?”
“You sure that’s what really happened?”
"At least it wasn’t that bad”.
“If you report it, you will ruin their life”.
Remember that not every survivor of trauma reacts to trauma in the same way.
Two people who have experienced similar traumatic events may respond in very different ways. Neither person is 'weaker' than the other.
Here is an article from the NY Times on how to support a survivor.
Here is a guide from RAINN on how to support a survivor.
Here is a guide from RAINN for understanding some of the common trauma responses survivors may have.
Here is a guide to understanding some of the other ways they may change after the trauma.
Here is a guide from RAINN on how to look after yourself as well.