Most victims face people doubting their experience. The default in our society is to assume that victims are lying. But statistics have shown that the number of false accusations tend to be extremely minor. Having doubt cast on your experience ontop of already having been through such a traumatic experience can be incredibly painful for survivors. Please don’t assume that someone who discloses they’ve been sexually assaulted is lying or cast doubts on the credibility of what they’re saying, as that can be extremely re-traumatizing.

Do not ever blame a survivor or tell them what they should have done differently to “avoid” being sexually assaulted. Despite your intentions, this can lead to guilt, shame and self-blame for what took place. It can make the survivor feel they had a role to play in being assaulted. This includes telling them they shouldn’t have been out so late or walking alone, or in someone else’s room alone, or dressed a certain way, or drinking, or absolutely anything else that implies they had a part to play in their assault. Sexual assault is never the victim’s fault and we need to be careful that we don’t put any blame on the survivor. It is always solely the fault of the perpetrator.

This is not the time to play devil’s advocate. Don’t try to give the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt of trying to “understand” it from their point-of-view: this includes “maybe they thought you consented”, “maybe they didn’t hear you”, “maybe they didn’t really mean to do it”, etc. Whatever their perpetrator was thinking does not lessen the impact of what happened to them.

Counselling and therapy can be beneficial for many survivors, but we should not force someone into either. It needs to be their decision. Remember that survivors of sexual assault have already had their autonomy stripped from them: you can support them, share resources with them, describe why you think it would be helpful for them to go, but ultimately they need to be the ones to retain autonomy in their decision.

Support their decision if they choose not to report it. Reporting can be a very re-traumatizing process. Officers can be very insensitive, and can blame victims, or doubt they’re telling the truth, and the justice system is often on the side of the perpetrators. For many survivors, reporting can be almost as traumatic as the incident itself– or even just as traumatic. If they choose not to report, respect their decision.

Don’t ask for extra details and information for the sake of curiosity; don’t probe for further information. Let them decide what they’re comfortable with telling you.

Sexual assault, no matter what form or type, is always serious. We should always take it seriously. If someone discloses that they were the victim of sexual assault, we should not treat it as something small that they can just get over. This does not mean that we should panic, but that we recognize and treat it as something very significant. Shrugging it off, ignoring it or treating it as unimportant can be very hurtful to someone who discloses.

There is no set timeline for recovering from trauma, and different people recover at different rates. Don’t expect them to be recovered by a certain time or force them to do things that they’re not comfortable with yet. Do not shame them for not ‘getting better’ by a certain date that you believe they should be recovered by. Healing is not linear and is dependent on multiple factors.

Hearing someone has been sexually assaulted can be a very difficult thing to hear, but don’t make their telling you what happened be about you or your feelings. Don’t centre yourself in the conversation and expect them to support you while you process it.

Never compare what they’ve been through to another situation to show it could have been “worse”, even if it’s an attempt to make them feel better. It invalidates what they’ve been through and makes it seem as though it’s not that serious. What they’ve been through is serious enough.

A hug or any other kind of physical touch may be your way of showing support, but make sure you have their consent to touch them first.